FBI Considers UFC Training for Agents

Inside Fighting

February 27, 2025

The FBI Considers UFC Training for Agents – A Knockout Idea?

In a surprising turn of events, the FBI has reportedly been considering adding UFC training to its agents’ arsenal. No, this isn’t an early April Fools’ joke. According to anonymous sources, FBI Director Kash Patel is mulling over the idea of having the nation’s top law enforcement officers take a few lessons from MMA pros. And honestly, we’re here for it.

The idea comes courtesy of Deputy Director Dan Bongino, a former Secret Service agent and self-proclaimed UFC enthusiast. Word on the street is that Bongino’s love for watching people kick each other’s heads in has inspired him to push for a new era of FBI agents who aren’t just skilled with firearms and surveillance but can also choke out a suspect with a rear-naked chokehold while reciting the Miranda Rights. Talk about multitasking.

Imagine this: an agent gets a call that a criminal mastermind is holed up in a high-rise. The old way? The SWAT team arrives, guns drawn, negotiators on standby. The new way? The FBI sends in an agent who can both negotiate and throw a spinning back fist if things get out of hand. Picture Agent Smith, calmly telling a suspect to put their hands up, then, out of nowhere, a flying knee to the face. It’s efficient, it’s effective, and it’s certainly a lot more exciting than the usual interrogation room banter.

But is this actually a good idea? Let’s break it down.

Pros:

1. Enhanced Physical Preparedness: The FBI’s job isn’t all about paperwork and high-speed chases. Agents often find themselves in dangerous situations that require quick thinking and quicker reflexes. A few jabs and uppercuts could save lives in a close-quarters scuffle. Plus, imagine the next time an agent runs into a criminal mastermind—he can just show up, slap on an armbar, and end the confrontation before it even starts. Problem solved.
2. Unpredictable Situations: Criminals often underestimate the authorities. But if they know the FBI agents are capable of flipping them into an ankle lock, they might think twice about trying anything funny. Suddenly, being arrested by the FBI might feel more like a UFC fight night than a typical handcuffing. Scary, right?
3. Team-Building: What better way to bond than by learning how to choke someone out together? Forget trust falls—let’s see how much you really trust your partner when they’re pinning you to the mat in a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu submission. FBI retreats just got way more interesting.

Cons:

1. Increased Risk of Accidents: Imagine a scenario where two FBI agents are engaged in a friendly grappling match in the office, and suddenly one of them accidentally body slams the other onto the printer. Office morale plummets as papers are scattered everywhere, and the coffee machine is broken in the process. Oops.
2. Unnecessary Escalation: Not every situation calls for a flying elbow or leg kick. If the FBI starts training its agents to unleash UFC moves in every confrontation, things might escalate unnecessarily. That guy selling counterfeit handbags might not need to be flipped into a suplex, no matter how tempting it is.
3. Bureaucratic Nightmares: Imagine the paperwork involved after an FBI agent puts a suspect in a triangle chokehold. “Please fill out the incident report on your submission technique, including the name of the move, the chokehold pressure applied, and the suspect’s reaction.” That’s a lot of forms to fill out!

Despite the potential for chaos, the idea of UFC training for FBI agents is undeniably intriguing. It brings a whole new meaning to “protect and serve.” And while we might not be ready for every FBI agent to become a certified cage fighter, just imagine the look on a criminal’s face when they realize their arresting officer could give Conor McGregor a run for his money.

So, FBI agents, get ready for your new fitness regimen: it’s time to swap your tactical gear for some spandex and get ready to slam, punch, and choke your way to justice.